It's the middle of the night for me and I am beside myself. I like to communicate and I feel good when I do so. Perhaps I will try to put some coherent words to my experience.
I have come to a place in my life where and when all my dreams are coming true. I always knew this would happen at the approximate age that
I am - 48 to be exact. Even though I knew it, I invested decades of agonizing search trying to get to the bottom of what makes the universe tick and what is my place in the overall grand scheme of things.
I invested over 30 years in pursuit of spiritual awareness which took me from meditating hours a day to reading somewhere around 500 metaphysical/spiritual books, including the last stretch at the Society for Ascension in North Carolina in 1999 where I was in an 18-month training
program to become a teacher of Ascension, a series of meditative techniques.
My dreams are coming true right in front of my very eyes in large part because I have given up on the need to know anything about the spiritual path. I have finally come to the experience that just to "be" is good, even good enough, and in fact, it is all that I have ever really wanted; only I thought that wasn't good enough. I thought it all needed to be deeper, more mysterious. I thought I had to
do things like "say" and "think" and "be" things like ascension attitude mantras and so many other techniques and awareness games I have pursued for so long.
What I see now that what I have been doing has been being in self-judgement and trying to use some spiritual technique or spiritual orientation to save me or elevate me to a higher, more "spiritual" perspective; one that is "beyond" the mundane existence of what I thought it is to
be human.
I have been told this by dozens even hundreds of people perhaps over the years either in person or in books or tapes. Maybe I even told myself in my own inner voice. It's not rocket science and it's no secret. Maybe you have known this all along. But I did not hear this until quite recently.
I was so much in a hurry to "get" knowledge; to "grow" into awareness; to "be more than" I was being or thinking or feeling. It was for me the
pursuit of "getting" something to fill this hole in me that "needed" to be filled or that I was lacking truth or "wanted" to have more (not possessions but more in the way of spiritual prowess, spiritual energy at my command, even qualities like courage, intuition, love and appreciation).
The point is that I was plugged into thinking that I lacked that which I wanted for myself. And that which I wanted was something that was mystical, hidden, grandiose,
divine, obscure, exciting, a mission, a purpose, a spiritual identity and that I had to dig, dig, dig to get it... dig deep within my self, dig into the mysteries of the universe, dig into the feeling of oneness or the state of exaltation. | | 
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It was all of these things that I pursued and it is all of these things I don't care about anymore in the sense that they seem trivial, even almost like a joke that I thought I needed them. And it is all of these
things I have, finally, in the realization and awareness that I embody all of this and all that I desire is to actualize my gift to create, to give and to receive all the beauty and glory of life and living. And that that is plenty, I hear myself saying to myself, so be content; that is my new path.
And so I am choosing to be content. It is a bit strange, I will admit, because I can't find anything to think about that I don't already have
or need to look into. My sense of longing is fizzling out. And I have a lot more energy than I used to have as I spent so much of it looking, waiting, wanting. My search has ended right where it began. Oh, the irony of it all!
Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to share these late night/early morning musings with you. I feel better. Now, at last, I am ready for sleep. I love to express. I feel more complete when I share. And content. In contentment, I Am Garrett. This “stream of consciousness” piece was originally typed into the www.ishaya.com bulletin board. Garrett has changed it only to provide explanations of terms familiar to users of that bulletin board. |
